I don't want to be a Telletubby

I am a crap employee. There is just no escaping this fact. It has become more and more evident over the past week or two that I am extremely bad at, well practically anything involved in being a good employee. Such as having an attention span longer than 2 seconds. And actually listening to instructions without arguing. But this may be due to the fact that I feel as though I am smarter than everyone. This is not arrogance. I'm sure it's not true a lot of the time. It's just more of an, "I'm sure I can work out how to do it myself" kind of stance. And this came to a head at work today, when I insisted, point blank, that what my boss was saying was completely and totally wrong.

Luckily, I was right. It turned out to be a misunderstanding over me rewriting a couple of documents, which I continued to state looked exactly the same, and couldn't possibly be rewritten to look completely different. Because in absolute honesty they were almost identical. Frustration and tension ensued when I couldn't make them sound different, which led to me placing them flat down on the table and saying "No! Look at them! They are exactly the same!", and it did in fact turn out that someone had printed the wrong documents or otherwise written the wrong thing... The bottom line is, I was right. But this was only proved by yelling at my boss.

This has got me thinking: don't people get fired for yelling at their boss? I didn't even yell exactly, but don't people get fired just for disagreeing with their boss? Or not taking their boss's word as fact, whether it's wrong or not? This has come up more than once in seminars about successfully finding and keeping a job: Agree with your boss, even if they are wrong. Well, this just seems silly. What if your boss being wrong could jeopardise the company, or on a smaller level, efficiency, as was the case with me today. I had been rewriting the damn thing for 2 days, and receiving the same response: that's not right, you're not doing it properly. If I hadn't got pissed off and said "Maybe you're not explaining it properly!" I could have been rewriting it for another two days.

I'm pretty sure that I have already done countless things in the short space of time that I have been interning that could have risked me getting fired in a paid job. But I am feigning ignorance of the ridiculous rules and regulations, the traditions and criterions of everyday employment. Simply because they are silly. And because I don't like being told how to do things which I can do perfectly well on my own. Never disagree with your boss. Well what if they are spectacularly wrong? Be jovial and always have a smile on your face. Well what if I'm in a shitty mood because my friend just died? Am I not allowed to be upset? Make conversations with the clients. Why not just do what they ask as quickly as possible? Because I'm sure they have better things to do than sit in a bank or an embassy and chat about the weather. Always try and sell a more profitable product. What if they don't want it? I'll feel like a twat if I keep asking them:

I think you should take out a credit card.

Oh, no I really don't want one.

But then you can spend whatever you want.

I can't afford one.

They have very reasonable APR.

I don't want to pay interest when I could just save my own money.

Ah, but then you'd have to wait.

I'm fine with waiting.

But wouldn't it be better to get what you want RIGHT NOW!

No, because I'd have to pay triple in the end.

It's really not that high, I can show -

Look, I just don't want a credit card.

Maybe I haven't explained to pros and cons very well.

You have, I just don't want one.

But there are many benefits -

I DON'T WANT A FUCKING CREDIT CARD!

Then that customer would hate the bank and change banks as soon as they could. I know this, because I have sold TalkTalk broadband before, and it is surprising just how many times I received the response, "Well, we were considering TalkTalk, but you are being very pushy so I think we'll go with BT now". The bottom line is, people don't like being told what to do. People don't like not being able to just walk around a shop in peace without a salesperson latching onto them until they feel uncomfortable and leave. And many people don't like having pointless conversations when they don't need to.

Everybody know these things. Everybody, it seems, except people who work in Human Resources. Apparently, people in Human Resources are always happy, and smiling, and having conversations with every single person that they meet. Which would explain why they never respond to emails or call you back. Apparently people from HR aren't actually people. Apparently, they are some other race who are always smiling, and always positive, like the Teletubbies. So whenever anyone gets pissed off because HR have sent down complaints from up on high about staff not stapling their mouths into permanent grins of absolute euphoria, or not forcing that mother of 6 who was just evicted to take out a credit card to pay for the cardboard box that will now be her home, or not having an hour's conversation with that person who just came in to change their address, just turn around and tell them that you don't want to be a fucking Teletubby.

I'm all about efficiency. I'm all about productivity. But I'm also all about independence. I accept that everyone has their own way of doing things. Why must employment become such a tedious, painfully trying experience by HR and management continually breathing down your neck about what you are doing wrong, and how you should be doing it? FYI, when you stand behind me or otherwise stand and watch everything I do, I am probably going to mess it up, under the pressure of observation. But I suppose this is what you want isn't it? For me to trip up so you can say "AHA! I knew you weren't being 100% productive!" and justify your ridiculous methods. Thankfully, I'm rather lucky. My boss prefers a more relaxed, amicable attitude at work, so the people there can work comfortably. There's no uniform (which, I am sure, is hugely damaging the efficiency of the staff because everybody knows that being incredibly uncomfortable all day makes people work much harder); we play music to the lighten the atmosphere (unfortunately this is often Hip-Hop, but I have been told I can play my own if I get more than one album to play); and I can get away with yelling at my boss, and pointing out when they are wrong, or late. I'm well aware that in any other job I would probably veer towards getting fired most of the time. And this is why when I was unemployed I comforted myself by thinking, well, at least I don't have to wear a suit and actually talk to people, and only speak in sports metaphors. For the time being, I'm very happy being a bad employee, because frankly, I think everyone should be able to yell at their boss when necessary.