I don't want to be a Telletubby

I am a crap employee. There is just no escaping this fact. It has become more and more evident over the past week or two that I am extremely bad at, well practically anything involved in being a good employee. Such as having an attention span longer than 2 seconds. And actually listening to instructions without arguing. But this may be due to the fact that I feel as though I am smarter than everyone. This is not arrogance. I'm sure it's not true a lot of the time. It's just more of an, "I'm sure I can work out how to do it myself" kind of stance. And this came to a head at work today, when I insisted, point blank, that what my boss was saying was completely and totally wrong.

Luckily, I was right. It turned out to be a misunderstanding over me rewriting a couple of documents, which I continued to state looked exactly the same, and couldn't possibly be rewritten to look completely different. Because in absolute honesty they were almost identical. Frustration and tension ensued when I couldn't make them sound different, which led to me placing them flat down on the table and saying "No! Look at them! They are exactly the same!", and it did in fact turn out that someone had printed the wrong documents or otherwise written the wrong thing... The bottom line is, I was right. But this was only proved by yelling at my boss.

This has got me thinking: don't people get fired for yelling at their boss? I didn't even yell exactly, but don't people get fired just for disagreeing with their boss? Or not taking their boss's word as fact, whether it's wrong or not? This has come up more than once in seminars about successfully finding and keeping a job: Agree with your boss, even if they are wrong. Well, this just seems silly. What if your boss being wrong could jeopardise the company, or on a smaller level, efficiency, as was the case with me today. I had been rewriting the damn thing for 2 days, and receiving the same response: that's not right, you're not doing it properly. If I hadn't got pissed off and said "Maybe you're not explaining it properly!" I could have been rewriting it for another two days.

I'm pretty sure that I have already done countless things in the short space of time that I have been interning that could have risked me getting fired in a paid job. But I am feigning ignorance of the ridiculous rules and regulations, the traditions and criterions of everyday employment. Simply because they are silly. And because I don't like being told how to do things which I can do perfectly well on my own. Never disagree with your boss. Well what if they are spectacularly wrong? Be jovial and always have a smile on your face. Well what if I'm in a shitty mood because my friend just died? Am I not allowed to be upset? Make conversations with the clients. Why not just do what they ask as quickly as possible? Because I'm sure they have better things to do than sit in a bank or an embassy and chat about the weather. Always try and sell a more profitable product. What if they don't want it? I'll feel like a twat if I keep asking them:

I think you should take out a credit card.

Oh, no I really don't want one.

But then you can spend whatever you want.

I can't afford one.

They have very reasonable APR.

I don't want to pay interest when I could just save my own money.

Ah, but then you'd have to wait.

I'm fine with waiting.

But wouldn't it be better to get what you want RIGHT NOW!

No, because I'd have to pay triple in the end.

It's really not that high, I can show -

Look, I just don't want a credit card.

Maybe I haven't explained to pros and cons very well.

You have, I just don't want one.

But there are many benefits -

I DON'T WANT A FUCKING CREDIT CARD!

Then that customer would hate the bank and change banks as soon as they could. I know this, because I have sold TalkTalk broadband before, and it is surprising just how many times I received the response, "Well, we were considering TalkTalk, but you are being very pushy so I think we'll go with BT now". The bottom line is, people don't like being told what to do. People don't like not being able to just walk around a shop in peace without a salesperson latching onto them until they feel uncomfortable and leave. And many people don't like having pointless conversations when they don't need to.

Everybody know these things. Everybody, it seems, except people who work in Human Resources. Apparently, people in Human Resources are always happy, and smiling, and having conversations with every single person that they meet. Which would explain why they never respond to emails or call you back. Apparently people from HR aren't actually people. Apparently, they are some other race who are always smiling, and always positive, like the Teletubbies. So whenever anyone gets pissed off because HR have sent down complaints from up on high about staff not stapling their mouths into permanent grins of absolute euphoria, or not forcing that mother of 6 who was just evicted to take out a credit card to pay for the cardboard box that will now be her home, or not having an hour's conversation with that person who just came in to change their address, just turn around and tell them that you don't want to be a fucking Teletubby.

I'm all about efficiency. I'm all about productivity. But I'm also all about independence. I accept that everyone has their own way of doing things. Why must employment become such a tedious, painfully trying experience by HR and management continually breathing down your neck about what you are doing wrong, and how you should be doing it? FYI, when you stand behind me or otherwise stand and watch everything I do, I am probably going to mess it up, under the pressure of observation. But I suppose this is what you want isn't it? For me to trip up so you can say "AHA! I knew you weren't being 100% productive!" and justify your ridiculous methods. Thankfully, I'm rather lucky. My boss prefers a more relaxed, amicable attitude at work, so the people there can work comfortably. There's no uniform (which, I am sure, is hugely damaging the efficiency of the staff because everybody knows that being incredibly uncomfortable all day makes people work much harder); we play music to the lighten the atmosphere (unfortunately this is often Hip-Hop, but I have been told I can play my own if I get more than one album to play); and I can get away with yelling at my boss, and pointing out when they are wrong, or late. I'm well aware that in any other job I would probably veer towards getting fired most of the time. And this is why when I was unemployed I comforted myself by thinking, well, at least I don't have to wear a suit and actually talk to people, and only speak in sports metaphors. For the time being, I'm very happy being a bad employee, because frankly, I think everyone should be able to yell at their boss when necessary.

Am I missing something here?

I honestly do try to be open-minded. But if there is one thing that I just cannot abhor, it is the genre of music known as Hip-Hop, or more specifically, "Gansta Rap". Even though I'm told whenever I turn down another Hollywood blockbuster or animated Disney/Pixar film with a smirk, that I'm stuck-up, and too closed-minded to just enjoy films as they are meant to be enjoyed, I protest! This is not the case! I have watched plenty of Hollywood blockbusters and animated Disney/Pixar films. I even paid to see 2012 at the cinema. Granted, I have regretted that ever since, but I do still enjoy these type of films occasionally. Okay, very rarely. But the point of the matter is, that they really don't have much variation. There's some invasion, there's some adventure, there's a big battle of some kind, the good guys (almost always America) save the day, hooray! The end. And I refer to the wise old saying: "If you've seen one, you've seen em all".

Likewise, I have heard enough Hip-Hop to make a generalised and frank decision that it is fucking awful. I'm not particularly aware of the intricacies of different sub-genres here. It's all just Hip-Hop to me, one way or the other. Just like Death Metal, Symphonic Metal, Gothic Metal, Industrial and a bunch of others would all just be Metal to someone who dislikes Metal. So wherever my real hatred may lie in this instance; Hip-Hop, Gangsta Rap, R&B, whatever, I'm just going to refer to it as Hip-Hop to simplify things. To be honest, I have reservations about using the term Gangsta-Rap as it sounds ridiculous. Kind of like Chef-Rock or Librarian-Pop.

I usually try to come up with a logical conclusion as to why people like the things that they do, but when it comes to Hip-Hop, I am at a loss. The reason that this subject has come to my mind is that the fashion designer whom I work for, is quite a fan of the said genre. So much so, that today was dedicated almost entirely to it. At one point he apologised (albeit somewhat jokingly) for the profuse swearing that was to follow in the song that was playing. Now, I don't have any problem with swearing. I swear a lot myself. But when its included in music or writing, it should have a place. And it just didn't. Fuck, cunt, and the word I hate the most, Nigger; all repeated, on a loop, verse after verse, with no discernible narrative behind the swearing. When you feel the need to apologise to two people in their 20s for swearing in a song, however jestingly, there's probably something lacking in the song besides basic literacy.

As far as I can grasp, the back-story of a Hip-Hop song seems to be something like this:

There is a pimp, or some sort of gang member, who is usually the male vocalist (aka rapper), whose monologue includes one or all of the following: Driving a Hummer or other such pimped-out tractor; Rollin' up to the club (which seems to be more important than actually being at the club, so much so that certain Hip-Hop songs focus entirely on reliving this wonderful experience of arriving at the club, in a Hummer, through every chorus); Having some sort of bitch, or otherwise incredibly attractively named hooker, who often has sex with the lead vocalist; which leads on to Sex, which happens frequently, and graphically (my favourite line in this field today was "sliding down my pole like a certified stripper" - everyone can relax, romance is clearly still going strong); Tits, pussy, and other such references to naked women; Drugs, and if they can somehow be snorted from a stripper's back as the rapper fucks her, bonus points for artistic license and ticking all the boxes on the Hip-Hop check list.

If a woman is involved in the song, she seems to either perpetuate the sexist egocentricity of the male vocalist by wailing along in the background and occasionally saying something along the lines of "yeah baby", which must be applauded for sheer ingenuity. When female Hip-Hop vocalists aren't living up to their assigned gender-roles, they are completely reversing them, as in the case of Nicki Minaj, who sings about shitting on people. It seems that there is no end to the aesthetic achievements of this wonderful genre.

The really disheartening part of Hip-Hop, is that the artists seem to put so much time, and so much energy into channeling their talent, that all of it is spent on the vocals. The music seems to be rather irrelevant. At least, I'm assuming that it's irrelevant, because it appears to me that Hip-Hop artists complete the vocals, and then just press whichever button on the keyboard will play a simplistic, monotonous "bum-tsh, bum-tsh, bum-tsh", with a fitting bpm. After the first verse of any given track is over, I already feel as though the track has been repeated far too many times than should be allowed and have the urge to either switch it off violently, or begin stabbing myself in the ears with a pen in time with the never-ending "bum-tsh"!

I think I have justified my opinion enough to pose my initial question once more: why on earth do people actually like this drivel? Why would anyone want to listen to song after song detailing the lives of a pimp and his hookers? It is repetitive, offensive, mindless diarrhoea that almost everyone seems to take a liking to except me. It's even played in gay bars, which is about as confusing as a gay Christian. I was under the impression that the gay scene was supposed to be about expressing equality and individuality. And yet look; everyone is dancing to the song about that poor hooker who is objectified and abused by her pimp. It almost creates a black hole of sheer paradoxical confusion in my mind, which is further intensified by the fact that Hip-Hop fans are under the impression that these people possess actual talent.

I don't usually have any real desire to discuss musical taste. I like what I like, you like what you like, it really doesn't need questioning. Unless we work in the same office where music is played all day at your discretion. And when forced to listen to Hip-Hop for 6 hours a day, it's funny how all of a sudden I do find myself questioning why people listen to fucking Hip-Hop! I can go so far as to admit that there is some level of skill involved in rapping, sometimes, on rare occasions (like when the songs actually have a subject matter beyond fucking or rollin' up to a club). But the majority of the time, it's a string of words put together at random, a few made-up words thrown in to make sure it rhymes, a female solo to make sure the picture of sexist idiocy is well and truly reinforced, a load of imagery to really project the perfectly avaricious pimp lifestyle, certain words or phrases repeated over and over again to give it some length, along with a bunch of swearing to make it suitably intimidating, or rebellious, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Have I just about got the gist of it?

P.S. I'm pretty sure Hip-Hop was invented in America, so thanks once again America. You are a country that just keeps on giving.

Fuck Fashion

As I mentioned in my previous post, it has been a while since I have taken this blogging thing as seriously as I perhaps should. I will continue to slap myself and say stop being so lazy and write something! But I will forget about it again the next day, and only bring myself back to being productive after much self-persuasion. Once again, I find myself vowing to keep up with writing, and once again, I can only wait and see.

I also mentioned in my post yesterday (as another flimsy excuse for my writerly laziness), that I started interning at a fashion design studio, and I have been venting my feelings about this to my boyfriend for the past couple of weeks now, but generally receive no response. As with most venting, you may as well do it to a wall, because the most I seem to get in response is an "mhmm" to show that the other person can hear the noises coming from my mouth. Now I am aware that I am not the most articulate person verbally. I get nervous when I have something to say, and when I have something to say that is actually important I stutter and stumble over my tongue so much that I usually avoid saying anything at all. Which is why I channel my feelings into written words rather than spoken ones. So I feel that I should take any opportunity to express my feelings, however tedious.

So fashion, huh? What's that all about? When I got a call informing me that I had in interview to begin interning at a fashion label in London my first thought was "ugh". I'm not sure I can describe that much better. Just, "ugh". All the negative stereotypes of the fashion industry quickly popped into my head, and I was given no time to prepare for the interview, which made me dread it even more. I never look forward to interviews. I think anyone who does is a complete freak of nature. But this was worse than most because I hadn't prepared for it, so I arrived with a somewhat careless attitude. When asked to describe myself, I blanked, laughed nervously, and said that I wasn't aware this was going to be a formal interview. Luckily, it wasn't. We eventually got talking more freely, and I started work right then, which is the only successful interview I have ever had. And it wasn't even a success because its an unpaid 2 month voluntary job.

It turns out that it is a very small design studio, with just me and the designer working there, which dispelled images of arrogant fashionistas prancing around like tossers (they came later). The first week was great. I worked on the project briefs, wrote emails, things for the website, and some outlines of the company. I was in my comfort zone at least. But in the second week, the fashion side began to creep up on me, and make me feel clueless. Then last week, I joined the designer at a couple of fashion expos in Earl's Court and Chelsea, and the reason I dreaded the interview in the first place came flooding back.

It was safe to say last week that I hated fashion. I spent 6 hours wandering around huge makeshift shopping centres, where every stall we passed had someone trying to drag us in and sell their stuff. I was in Hell. There is no other word for it. Shopping itself is one of the most tedious, draining experiences that people put themselves through. Walking along Oxford Street is a fun day out for most women. Personally, I'd rather jump into the Thames. And to have to shop, but not even shop: just look at clothes, and repeat "I'm just looking thank you" on a loop, all day, almost drove me to commit suicide in the toilets with the plastic cup that I had just drained of vodka. This sparked my dislike of fashion, and since then, I have been reminded of the numerous other reasons that I loathe it.

Arrogance: The designer that I work for has said this himself on a few occasions: people in the fashion industry are arseholes. They walk around with their noses turned up at everyone else around them, like they live in some sort of caste system, and would spit at you for not recognising a Gucci bag or a Chanel suit. Ugly Betty put this cliche to good use as humour, but in reality it is just irritating. And it makes me question why anyone would want to work around people that are constantly picking fault with everyone over appearances. It would be like going to primary school all over again, where the poor kid gets laughed at for wearing cheap knock-off trainers. Arrogance is unattractive, even when it's wearing a Chanel suit.

Fashionspeak: As much as this doesn't particularly piss me off, it does bore the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure that I have ADHD, or something that makes my attention span very short, so when people start talking to me about hemlines, or chiffon, or freaking cashmere, my mind is almost definitely going to switch off. I can write about them to an extent, but when people start asking me questions which include fashionspeak and expect a response, I wonder when I ever gave the impression that these terms would stick in my mind. Kind of like throwing cushions at the ceiling and looking surprised when they don't stay there, It's just not going to happen.

Frivolity: I suppose this is somewhat arrogant, but I just don't get it. I can appreciate certain Haute Couture fashion shows, when the clothes are more like an art form than anything a person would wear in reality. I can appreciate this because I appreciate art. But unfortunately, the vast majority of fashion is not art. It's just a strip of material stitched together, and no amount of jargon is going to make me see a maxi dress as anything other than a sheet with a hole in it. I like books, I like art, I like art-house cinema. I like discussing philosophy and politics, because they actually matter. Discussing high street fashion, to me, is like watching reality TV: frivolous, mind-numbing, and ultimately meaningless. Now I know many fashionistas would beg to differ: I recall the scene in the Devil Wears Prada involving the two blue belts all too well. But those belts did look exactly the same, and a pretentious spiel about the history of that certain shade of blue didn't really change anything.

Ethics: Moving on to a more serious reason; there is everything that fashion stands for. It has become obvious over the past three weeks that my work associates and I have completely opposing views when it comes to production. I used to take an interest in fashion, when I was at university. But it occurred to me that there are certain aspects of the industry that don't look as though they are set to die any time soon: one of these, is fur. I won't begin to describe just how much I utterly despise fur. And since it is included in almost every single fashion show, thanks to a certain nazi fuck named Anna Wintour, who brought it back from the grave, I cut my interest in fashion shortly after it started. There is just no possible way that I could be involved and interested in an industry that is driving in the opposite direction to myself by way of ideologies. Just hearing the people I work with talk about how beautiful fur coats are turned my stomach last week. I'll do my best to look past it for the time being, along with the people working in sweatshops in India and China, to produce this overpriced crap for next to nothing. But I'd never last in a world where fur is seen as anything other than sickening.

Personality: Perhaps my biggest problem, in the forefront of it all, is that fashion doesn't seem to allow for personal style. All this talk of fads, trends, and the latest colours and prints from the latest lines, gives me the impression that there is a rulebook somewhere. And that if you deviate from it, it results in complete disgrace at the hands of the vampiric fashionistas who feed on the shame of other people's bad clothing choices (Very much like a gossip magazine, another thing I absolutely loathe). But why should people follow the path designated by the fashion elite exactly? What does it matter? I just can't be arsed to think about what I'm wearing every single day. Usually I just wear running shoes, shorts and a teeshirt. Why? Because they are comfortable! I don't care that they look kind of stupid. Those dogs that look like bath mats look stupid, but they deal with it and move on. I have nothing against people with the motto "fashion over comfort", but don't expect every person on the planet to give a fuck about it. Even when I do wear expensive clothes and make an effort when I go to clubs, I'm sure that I'm still breaking about a dozen fashion faux pas', but it is far too much effort to consult the rulebook whenever I buy a pair of tousers, and more importantly, I think personal style should be just that; personal. We haven't started genetically modifying everyone to have the same personality yet, so why is there still such disdain towards people who dress alternatively? I have seen plenty of examples in fashion shows, and at the fashion expos last week, of clothes that I thought were absolutely disgusting. The only difference is, that my point of view doesn't have its own magazines telling the world that they should agree with my taste.

Aftermath

It has been quite a long time since I last wrote anything here. This is primarily down to laziness, but a lot has changed in this time as well, and I will continue to use this as an excuse for the laziness: My computer died, and then our other computer died (meaning that the hard-drives on both of them ceased to exist, within a few weeks of one another, which was just perfect); I moved house (and had no computer or internet for a few weeks); and I started interning at a small fashion studio in Kennington (later blog entry on this to come). Losing my computer after 5 years was quite sad. Having to sell it because I'm so poor was sadder. Only getting £30 for it was the saddest thing of all. Moving house in London was far more stressful than I first anticipated, and I cannot possibly endure it every July, without fail, anymore. I only started interning about 3 weeks ago, but having spent my days prior to this doing very little of anything, having a job has tired me sufficiently to make me not want to do much of anything when I get home. Thus, blogging has been off my mind for quite a while.

However, I can safely say the transitional stage is over now. I have settled into my new place, settled into my job (even though it may only be until the end of September with no room for a full-time position after that), and bought myself a new computer. The latter is somewhat entangled in another matter which has been going on for the past two weeks and caused me further stress (and again I am using this as an excuse for being too lazy to write anything). This matter would be the deposit from my previous apartment. I bought this computer on finance (6 months interest free, 10% paid up-front), hoping that when I get my deposit back, I will be able to pay it off fully. I have since learnt the lesson that landlords in London (or maybe I was just extremely unlucky) are greedy, extortionist arse-holes, and I am currently taking legal action against my previous gem of a landlord who is trying to pry £915 from us. Now I am just hoping that this is settled within 6 months, so that I can pay for my laptop, otherwise I will once again be considering prostitution to pay the remaining £900. I would like to take this opportunity to further express my opinion that you cannot trust anyone, because everyone is in fact, a cunt.

There have been other, more widely recognised and important occurrences than my deposit that have happened since I last wrote anything though. Amy Winehouse met an untimely death, and good music was dealt a double blow when this was followed by Cher Lloyd's single reaching number 1 in the singles chart. And the event that I feel I should spend the rest of this entry addressing; watching my city burn last week.

The riots that broke out last weekend in London, and which quickly spread across the country, were no surprise, even though I was woken in the middle of the night by my boyfriend showing me a live feed of the fires in Tottenham. At the time I couldn't have cared less. I just wanted to sleep, and wouldn't appreciate being woken from my slumber even if a bomb had just been dropped on the city. But in the light of the next day, and the front page of every newspaper showing images of Tottenham, completely destroyed, I realised that something quite serious was taking place.

Far from being surprised, I accepted that this was going to happen at some point. With the Conservatives raping the country the way they are, fucking the economy; pushing the poor, underprivileged class of society further towards breaking point through brutal and archaic austerity measures, it was only a matter of time (as one youth in Tottenham said himself 2 weeks before the riots actually did break out). Over the next 2 days, I watched as numerous locations of my city were attacked, looted, and burnt to the ground. On Monday I saw all the shops on my street shut up early, and their owners stand around the street looking as though they expected trouble. One or two broken windows and a boarded up Tesco is the only thing I experienced first hand, but elsewhere there were far more serious events and consequences.

Perhaps the most surprising factor that I noticed during these riots, were not the riots themselves, but the responses from almost everyone I know: That these riots are completely meaningless, opportunist violence, from underclass scum who want nothing but to wreak havoc. It wasn't the fires, it wasn't the charred and blackened streets that shocked me the most. It was this over-generalised and frankly ignorant outlook of events. The fact that people refused, point blank, to accept the idea that maybe, just maybe, there could be a larger picture, that maybe there was a reason behind the anger.

The shooting of Mark Duggan aside, it couldn't be perhaps because of the means by which these people have to survive? It couldn't be because they are oppressed and ghettoised by the government, into areas with the highest unemployment rates in the country? Because they have no money for education (now that the EMA has been scrapped and university fees have tripled)? Because their benefits; their only means of survival in a world of no education and no job prospects, have been slashed (and I know first hand just what it is like to live on £20 a week)? Because three quarters of their youth centres were just closed? Because they are completely ostracised by a government formed entirely of people who were born into privilege, and have never had to worry about finding a job, or paying for their education, or just paying the bills? It couldn't possibly be because their lives were pretty shit to begin with, and are even worse now that the Conservatives are in power? No. It must all be down to the way their parents raised them.

Now I am not condoning the riots (cliche of the week), or saying that the above reasons are a good enough motive to destroy local shops and burn down people's homes. All I am saying is, that perhaps there is a larger picture, and to deny that there are a multitude of reasons and catalysts for rioting, is extremely naive. Either that or just plain ignorant. It is exactly what David Cameron wants: for society to agree with him, to deny any reasons behind the riots, to denounce then as pure criminality without any motive other than just violent impulses and bad parenting. Of course he couldn't possibly have his own agenda.

I guess it's easy for people in comfortable £20,000+ jobs to do so. And it's easy to jump on the bandwagon of Facebook pages that popped up such as "Not rioting, because you have a job to go to in the morning". And it's easy to ignore the real reasons, because "pure criminality" is a much simpler one. And it's what Theresa May, that pinnacle of good values said, after all. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have such luxuries as an education and a well paid job.

I don't possibly see how we will ever reach an age where riots are a thing of the past, until we accept and analyse the reasons behind them. But as the vast majority of people proved last week, we are very far from that point. It wasn't the anger at the rioters that I fundamentally opposed; obviously, when people start trashing your city; your home, you get pissed off. That's totally understandable. What really bothered me was that it seemed like an extremely small minority of people who actually accepted that there must be some causality between the riots, and the events which preceded them. What really bothered me was that people could be so utterly detached, and ignorant of the class that these people come from; of the way that they are forced to live; of the frustration and anger that they must feel from just trying to get by. This was what really upset me, and frankly, I was more disgusted at some of the labels that the rioters were given than at their actions.

I believe that the last week has been a very sad one. Not only because we saw our society collapsing in on itself, but because the vast majority of people agreed with David Cameron, the man whose actions and decisions led to rioting in the first place. It's never good when your country erupts in mass social unrest, but when the country seems to unanimously agree with a Tory, it is an extremely sad day indeed.