Feelings of Displacement

I wrote my last blog entry in the midst of a very negative few days, in which I locked myself inside my safe hateful place. I would say that it's over now, but it's never really over. I just feel like I can deal with the world again . For a start, I have changed my route to and from work, to avoid East Street and its noisome atmosphere and claustrophobic crowds. I do still find it unfortunate that no matter which route I take to walk to work there will be large crowds of people. This is unavoidable. It isn't something that tends to bother me a great deal under ordinary circumstances, but it did get me thinking the other day about the pros and cons of living in central(ish) London.

In July, as I have mentioned (I think), I moved much closer to central London. I now live on Old Kent Road, at the end bordering Borough and Bermondsey, 10 minutes from City Hall. Last year I lived in Streatham, much further south, and over an hour's bus journey from central London. Although I can now within walking distance of the centre, the noise and crowds are a constant. Whereas last year, although it was over an hour's bus journey into the city, I lived in a quiet court, off a relatively quiet street.

As I was watching Happy-Go-Lucky a couple of days ago, there was a conversation between the characters about when Poppy, the main character, was going to "grow up", move away from central London, get a mortgage, start a family, and "take life seriously". Not that I put any value into this opinion, but it did get me thinking about ideals. I am extremely indecisive, and more than this, I have a thirst for experiencing new places, which means that I don't see myself living in any one place for a huge period of time. But it got me thinking, maybe this want to experience living in so many different places is just to find the right one. In fact, I'm almost certain this is the case.

It is highly doubtful that I will ever want a mortgage. And being gay, I will never have children. I don't like sharing a bed because I like having my own space. These three things alone put the idea of "settling down to a responsible life" into questionable territory. But the idea of a responsible life as the consensus sees it is not something a find appealing. A mortgage on some semi/detached in suburbia, or some village, with some kids, a few pets, and a wedding ring on your finger? Who wants that? And more importantly, why do people want that? My ideals haven't changed in this respect. I think if I ever reached that place I would be in constant mid-life crisis, or constant depression.

So I have this list of places that I'd like to live, glamourising each of them, hoping to live in them all at some point. I din't want to move every few years, but I get bored easily. I don't want to live far from central London, but I like peace and quiet. With these impossible standards I'm sure to be looking for a very long time, and I guess I will never find out what I want until I actually get there. Or maybe I never will. One factor standing in my way at the present time is money. 80% of the neighbourhoods I would like to live in are out of my reach because of average rent prices. And my ideal home is 100% out of my reach because I can't afford my own place, and I can't afford to decorate. One certainty is that living on a road with constant traffic, sirens and crowds will probably get tiring eventually. So in respect to this, I can see why people choose to leave the city and start a family. I just don't understand why the only goal people aim for in life is a family and a mortgage.